so it seems that I'm going to have to pick this back up when I do have more time.  Possibly Saturday and then Monday.  It's not going to be 40 days & nights straight through but I'll get it done and hopefully will know more about myself.  I have been really enjoying this journey.

Take time to be alone with the magic of the moment.  Where does a shadow begin and end?  It only takes attention and the willingness to see to fully appreciate something.

Activity
Stare at a shadow or reflection cast from the sun or artificial light source.  It is not easy to focus on something that amorphous and vague.  Blink as little as possible.  Soften your eyes.  Describe what you see.

I have never really just sat there and watched a shadow.  I'm in my office and everything has a shadow.  The shadows don't move even if I do.  It's weird how some things have very drastic shadows and are dark and other objects have lighter or dark to light shadows.  Some shadows take more space than others.  When looking at a shadow I just tend to drift off.  I can't focus on 'a shadow' it's like emptiness or something.  It has no focal point of interest.


Journal Prompts
-List the big and small surprises that have happened to you.  Were any life changing?
-What do you like to do when you are alone?  Does being alone make you feel like something is right or wrong?  Why?
- Today...



Journaling:
Surprises that have happened to me...
My promisary ring.  Punit gave it to me after we had only been dating for about a month or so.  It was  Christmas 1999.  We were going ice skating with my family and when we got into his car to leave he gave it to me.  I opened the box and was in shock.  I was sort of nervous when I saw the box before opening it.  I don't think he meant it to be a promisary ring, he had no clue about them.  I loved it though.  It was too big to wear without falling off (before I got it sized) and I wore it on a chain around my neck.

When my Mom asked us kids if we wanted another brother or sister.  I was shocked that they were pregnant and just didn't like the idea of it at first.  After a few months it was all excitment though.  I told everyone that my Mom was pregnant.  My Dad was driving a truck back then too and I would go with my Mom to the lamaze classes (or with both of them when he was at home).  At the end of the class they gave me a certificate for participation in the class too. I thought that was awesome.  I was my Dad's back as my Mom's coach.  And Colleen did arrive when he was out of town.  I had to also have someone with me because I was a minor.  So in the room there was my Mom, me, my extra person (Jacquie), and another person (Tami) to help my Mom. I remember that my Dad called just as Colleen's head was coming out and we stretched the phone cord as much as we could to get it to reach so that he could hear Colleen's first cry.   When I do talk about this some ppl do get uncomfortable.  To me it wasn't gross... I don't even remember seeing my Mom I just remember seeing Colleen's head coming out.  When it's in the moment you don't pay attention to the details of the surroundings.



When I'm alone I don't feel anything different.  I have no problem with being alone most of the time.  Sometimes when Punit's working nights I do miss him, but I don't feel lonely because we talk on the phone. 

When I'm alone I like to watch movies, sleep, enjoy hot chocolate.  With my Christmas decorations up I like to just sit on the couch or at the table with just the Christmas lights on and candles lit and just enjoy the lights and there beauty.  I like to just sit in silence.  Ever since the radio in my car stopped working I have started to enjoy the silence.  It gives me time to think and yes sometimes I do talk out loud to myself in the car. LOL  Sometimes when I'm at home I have the radio or tv on, but most times I don't.  Though usually I'm on the computer if I'm not watching tv.



Today was a great day.  Punit and I stayed up until about 1am looking at cabins and talking about our trip.  Last night he got home early and was hoping that I would stay up and we could talk.    I slept in until about 10:30.  Made some pancakes with fruit.   I love pancakes.  I used my star-shaped mold too. Just looking at them made me happy.  I went to work, only for 4 hours so it didn't really tire me out.  Punit called me twice and we talked on the IM alot.  Then when I got home I was dying to make a snow angel.  He took a couple of pictures of me.  Then I started throwing snowballs and him. LOL And he throw some back.  That was the best part... also just to hear him say 'that was fun'. Last night after having a snow ball fight with tons of other ppl at work he said that snowball fights are fun unless there's lots of ppl.  Proved he wrong.   We started to make an itenerary together.
All in all it was a really good day.

This is the beginning.  It's time to shift out of your normal routine and step into a softer, slower way of being.

Activity
Open up your mouth and yawn big and wide.  Make full relaxing yawning sounds and say "Ahhhh" as you exhale.  Let your eyes crinkle and your nose wrinkle, and even let your tongue hang out for maximum relaxation.  How does yawning make you feel?  Yawn as you write your first journal entries, and open up your whole body to a new beginning.  Indulge in the pleasure of deep yawning throughout the day to get stale air, old thoughts, and beliefs out while pulling fresh new opportunities into your mind and oxygen into your bloodstream.


Journal Prompts

• Write a list of your fears and anxieties (worst-case scenarios) that might come up over the next 40 days.  Include all obstacles you anticipate that might bring you down or stand in your way....
• List the positive inklings and "good feelings" you have about what you are doing....
• Today....

Journaling

My fears and anxieties.  wow.  I have tons. 

I've been deadly scared of snakes since I was little. 
I've developed a fear of height a few years ago.  We went to the top of the Empire State building in Feb 2002 and I wouldn't go to the edget to look over.  I'm not sure why the fear came out.  I can go on roller coaster just fine, but I won't even get on a ferris wheel.

Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough.  I actually stuggle with this one alot.  I question why I am even alive.  I don't feel that I can do anything right or good enough.  I question why my DH is even with me.  I've even asked him several times why he married me.  Some days it just doesn't make sense why anyone would want to me with a screw up like me.  Going along with that... I'm afraid that my DH is going to leave me or if I leave him (but want to come back) that he'll go back home.  This one also goes into careers area.  I do struggle when I think about work.  I feel that I won't get a good job because I don't have the skills or that I just don't feel confident with the skills that I do have an that if then find out that I suck.  DH always tells me that they'll train you.  But why would they want to spend the money on training me when I should have learned it in my classes.

I'm afraid to tell my parent's that I'm pregnant (well this is sort of looking into the future. for when I really am).  I think this has to do with the way I was raised.  I remember my Dad saying don't even think about getting preg before you're married or you're Mom will disown you.  It shouldn't even bother me now since I am married, but it's still installed in me or something to keep it a secret.  It's weird and hard to explain.  I did have a breakthrough with my Dad last weekend though.  It was really exciting.  (We found this really cute stick horse and my Dad talked me into buying it for my future kids.  Then on the way home we were talking about what Mom would say about it if we told her that I bought it.  Had some laughs.  Now everytime that I call him he asks if I'm preg.  I always say no (obviously).  This last time I asked him why he always asks me that and he said because it's his job (weird answer, but I like that he asks even though if I would I wouldn't tell because DH and I have a plan of how we're going to tell everyone).  I think he's ready for grandkids.  It's just my Mom now... if I even bring up anything about them she gets all weird.



Positives in my life. hmmm...  there's so much that I take for grant it.
Ashley.  I love that I met her and I love our close friendship.  I love the way that she's always there for me when I need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to unload everything on. 

My Family.  I do love them.  I'm very close to my family.  We live only 20 mins from my parent's house and I'm there as much as I can be.  I love just hang out with Chris and Colleen.  They spend the night or a day at my house sometimes. 

My DH.  I do love him.  I feel that I'm more in love with him now than I was the day that I married him.  It's weird for some to hear, but I feel it's the truth.  I was so young when I got married.  Sometimes I do feel that I sort rushed into the whole marriage thing as so as I got the ring on my finger. 

I love sleeping in with my DH.  We don't get that much time together now because of school and jobs.  But on the rare days that we do have the mornings together we love to spent them in bed.  Even if we're both sound asleep it's just the feeling of being next to each other that we love.

My Schooling.  Even though I have really struggled with some classes off and on it's going to pay off.  I might not really be able to see it yet and see that it did really help me, but I do know that it did and it was a good idea to follow it through and get to the end.

There's so much that I take for grant it.  I have to keep coming back to this one.

Our house.  We were lucky and got a house early.  It's a great investment.  We do take for grant it that we're not throwing our money away in paying rent every month.

We both have cars.  There older by they gets us were we need to go and back.


Today....
is a big blah day.  I'm working today from 8a-5p.  Nothing really too much to do.  Going to be trying to narrow down the list of cabins. And probably trying to find some other things about the area.  It's snowing outside.  I love it when it snows.  I love to just look outside and watch it.  DH works tonight.  He'll be gone before I get home.   I'm planning on watching 'The Perfect Man' tonight and might do some LOs.

Learn to Relax
Learning how to relax over the next 40 days is the key to getting the most out of this time.  When you are relaxed, you are more in touch with your inner resources of power, energy, and the ability to focus.  You will find more space inside to open up to something new.  Every thought and emotion makes and imprint on our physical being.  Many of us are physically stressed without knowing it because we mistakenly imagine our mind and body as separate.  If we were more consciouse of the beating our physical body takes on a daily basis from our ramped up mental and emotional lives we might try to learn to relax more often. 

Expand Your Senses and Listen
Over the next 10 days you are invited to use all of your senses more fully.  It's your time to train your mind and heighten its sensual awareness.  Human beings are wired to use our sight, taste, smell, sound, and touch to pull inside what's going on outside.  This is how we interpret and respond to the world around us.  You will learn to understand your intuition, often called the sixth sense.  All of us possess this elusive ability to know or sense what is beyon our conscious, rational, or logical mind.  However, most of us fail to take our intuition seriously.  Our intuition is a rich database that is worth using and trusting.  It is a form of protection in the biggest sense of the word, and when we beging to learn how to listen and use it effectively, our lives will reflect more of who we truly are.

Your intuition might show up in many different ways:

• a tingling in your arms
• a sensation in your gut
• a voice in your ear
• butterflies in your stomach
• a pounding in your head
• a red light flashing
• a dizzy sensation

The next 40 days will help you quiet your chattering mind and the world around you so that you can really listen.

I'm using the book '40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking time out for self-discovery: A guided journal" by Ilene Segalove.

I am almost at the end of my college life.  I am a bit confused, but who isn't at this stage in their life.  I'm wanting to find out more about myself and how I can better myself and make decision that are going to be good for me.

Here's what the book is suppose to do:

"This book will change the way you relate to yourself and the rest of your life.  It helps you dedicate a manageable but inspired time and space for consciouse growth. 

These activities and journal prompts are tools that:
- enhance your ability to focus and wok through uncertainity
- encourage you to slow down and listen
- allow you to practice self-acceptance and trust
- help you break out of patterns and activate new possibilities
- open up your imagination
- show you how to take what you learn into the rest of your life
"